LOLSlater - SBTB Mailbag, Vol. 3

SBTB Mailbag, Vol. 3

Anonymous: Please list the following teachers in order of their importance to bayside: mr. tuttle, mr. testaverde, the deaf lady teacher, mr. dewey, the blind lady teacher, and the cooking class teacher who sings while she cooks. Show your work and feel free to add any I’ve forgotten.

LS: Here are my rankings:

Mr. Tuttle - That guy taught every single class at Bayside. MVP.
The Home Ec Teacher - She is the only person I’ve ever seen on TV who loves cake more than me. Personal MVP.
Mr. Testaverde - Micro machines guy, based on that alone I give him a C+. Maybe a B-.
Mrs. Simpson (Deaf lady teacher) - I barely remember her.
Mrs. Culpepper (Blind lady teacher) - She would have been a great foil on a show like “2 and a Half Men.” Blinds are soooo funny! And Ashton could try to seduce her. Soooo funnier!! FRRT.

DG: My favorite thing about Mr. Tuttle was his super weird relationship with Belding. Those two were ALWAYS butting heads and stuff, often right in front of the students. I loved that. I badly wish I had gone to a high school where the principal and teachers talked shit about each other all day.

Also, do you think the Micro Machines guy bought millions of dollars worth of stuff during the 90s when he was on every show/commercial and cash was rolling in, and now he’s broke offering to talk really fast on the side of the highway for food? I bet he is.

Anonymous: effkillmarry: leslie spano, wheelchair melissa, mrs. belding

LS: F - Leslie Spano (although I’m obviously too young for her); K - Mrs. Belding (just because she actually married and reproduced with Mr. B); M - Wheelchair Melissa (the woman was a saint for putting up with Zack for 3 whole days, or whatever time period that was in the SBTB universe).

DG: Samesies.

kdbaross: Is there even one acceptable adult role model in any of the 86 episodes? Say what you will about Miss Bliss but at least she had her shit together.

DG: I would argue that Lisa’s mom was okay, in the episode where Zack jacked up his knee. There aren’t even many shows TODAY that show black women as successful doctors, so that was nice. On the other hand, all the hours at the hospital meant she didn’t spend that much time with her daughter and tried to compensate for this lack of affection by buying her stuff, filling the hole where a parent’s love should be with material goods, turning her daughter into a spoiled brat who valued things and money over people and education. So, to answer your question, no. Everyone on this show was terrible.

LS: Dude. This isn’t 7th Heaven. Everyone was the worst. Wait, everyone on 7^th Heaven was the worst too. I’ve lost my train of thought.

Anonymous: Could you beat up that girl wrestler?

LS: Absolutely not. Not even on my best day.

DG: Maybe if I had a sword or a gun and she was asleep. Otherwise, no.

catherinemarynotmarycatherine: Is Zack Morris your idol? …If not, he should be.

DG: Kind of. I’m glad you brought this up, because I have a theory: Zack was awesome in high school, but I think he would be in jail today. Given what we know about his entrepreneurial nature, charm, and his moral flexibility, I bet Zack started an investment business right out of college and made MILLIONS, but then I bet he started playing fast and loose with the company’s finances. He always managed to fix it in time — because hey, he’s Zack — but then when the economy tanked in 2008, his business went south and his book-cooking came to light. I bet he’s doing 20 years in a Club Fed for securities fraud.

And, yes. The astute reader will recognize almost this exact rant from the discussion LOLSLater and I had about “Hawaiian Style.” I’m very passionate about this.

LS: Not exactly. If I had to compile a list of idols it would probably go something like this:

Martin Luther King
Dalai Lama
Zack Morris
Whoever ends up murdering Ashton Kutcher.
My dad.

Hypothetically speaking of course.