LOLSlater

SBTB Mailbag, Vol. 1

Good afternoon, nerds and welcome to the LOLSlater/Danger Guerrero “Saved By the Bell” mailbag. You asked a bunch of serious questions, and we provided a bunch of idiotic answers to those queries. I’m just kidding. Your questions were just as stupid as our answers. ANYWAY, I’ll publish a few questions today, a few questions tomorrow, and then we’ll never speak of SBTB ever again. Good? Excellent, enjoy.

Anonymous: I’d like some predictions for what you think the following characters are up to nowadays: Ox, step-bro Eric, Nicky Kapowski, girl wrestler Kristy and Mr. Dewey.

DG: Ox - Dead (undiagnosed brain tumor); Step-bro Eric - Jail (check fraud); Nicky Kapowski - Spokesmodel at bug rodeo; Kristy - Female luchadore in Mexico; Mr. Dewey - Jail (caught in “To Catch a Predator”-style sting)

LS: Ox - Definitely dead (died in a hot dog eating contest); Eric - CEO of Bank of America; Nicky Kapowski - Professor of Entomology at Cal U, probably dating Professor Laskey; Kristy - Jail (Aggravated assault); Mr. Dewey - Paralyzed while competing on “American Gladiators.”

dontsprainyourvagina: A thousand words on that scene and not a peep about the sound of bag of drowning kittens coming from the gym behind them? The real tragedy of that scene is that without Zach and Kelly singing that duet is you let the JV squad sing out the last slow dance of prom.

DG: Nononono. The REAL tragedy of our post on the Zack-Kelly scene is that neither of us mentioned the most important point… Zack got dumped wearing tights. Getting bad news while wearing tights is like adding insult to injury. (The insult is the bad news, the injury is your mangled and constricted junk.)

LS: I agree with Dangerous. I was really pleased with that commentary until he told me we didn’t even mention Zack’s tights, and then I wanted to burn down Tumblr, or perhaps something a little less dramatic, I dunno. I apologize to all of you for that oversight.

Anonymous: Favorite girl Zack dated/victimized?

DG: I always liked the random home wrecking bimbos he would walk off with two at a time whenever he was single or having problems with a lady. I can’t even fathom how little self-esteem you have to have to be one of those girls. “What, you just want to use me to make someone jealous? And you’re bringing another busty pigtailed ditz along? OKAY! [giggles, pops gum].” They should have given all those girls a spinoff on Cinemax.

LS: They did give those girls a spinoff on Cinemax. It was called “Hot Springs Hotel.” I would not Google that at work if I were any of you. 

Hmm, who is my favorite ex-girlfriend of Zack? I’m going to go with Mindy the Publicist. First, she was the genius behind Zack’s “Mr. Madonna” persona, which was probably my favorite thing that ever happened on TV in the last week of November 1991. And secondly, she was just a dream so no women were harmed in the filming of that episode. Classic win-win.

Anonymous: favorite sbtb band and song? best answer is did we ever have a chance by zac attack but any answer is acceptable except for the 50’s group from jb slater’s episode

DG: You’re absolutely right. “Friends Forever” gets all the play, but that song was a butt. BONUS: Did you know there’s a SBTB soundtrack? And it costs $120 on Amazon? This is madness.

LS: Hot Sundae, when they sing “I’m So Excited at the Max.” Not because it was any good, but mostly because I still cannot figure out how SBTB got the rights to a Pointer Sisters song. I’m still grappling with this question 20 years after the fact.

gwissinger: I know you’ve never covered the College Years, but how disappointing is it that the College Years never devoted an episode to addressing body image issues and Kelly’s suddenly larger upper torso?

DG: I love how that went unexplained. If one of my close friends and/or former girlfriend from high school went to college and promptly got giant fake boobs, I assure you it would have come up when I hung out with my guy friends. Every day. For hours. Until we died.

LS: Here is what I want to know: How come no one ever asked Zack how he put on 80 pounds of muscle over the summer?! I mean, c’mon! The guy was clearly on roids. Why was there no intervention? Why wasn’t there a scene where he freaked out and destroyed a bunk bed? That was the body image issue they could have gotten some amazing unintentional comedy out of. It could have been Zack’s Jessie Spano moment.