LOLSlater

LOLSlater and Danger Guerrero’s Top Five Saved By The Bell Moments:

#1 - The Break Up

DG: For #1, I think we need to touch on the central issue throughout the show’s run: the on-again, off-again romance between Zack and Kelly. While there are lots of moments from the show to choose from on that topic, I think the best example is the break up scene at the dance. There is simply too much to get to — and I am entirely too excited about getting to it — to discuss this in any sort of narrative form, so I’m going to hit it in bullet points:

• First and foremost, for all the love and adulation I heap on Kelly as my first big crush, let’s be perfectly clear about something: she was the worst. Over the course of the show, she dated a million losers — usually creepy old douchecanoes. We discussed the Brian Hansen debacle in our gigantic “Hawaiian Style” breakdown, but Jesus, at least that guy had a career. In this scene, she’s kicking Zack to the curb for a dipshit haircut who manages a diner. I know the show ended on a happy note with Zack and Kelly getting married, but let’s stop kidding ourselves, okay? Knowing everything we know about Kelly’s family situation and her predilection for troublesome weasels, there is no way she didn’t end up married to a drunk with a motorcycle who left her after she popped out kid number six at age 25. I’ve seen that Lifetime Movie. I know how the story ends.
• Jeff was an asshole and I hope he died sad and alone.
• Zack was an absolute prince about this whole thing. If my high school sweetheart had dumped me in the middle of a dance for some jamook diner manager, I would have flipped over that picnic table and started saying things so obscene that would it make prisoners in a Supermax prison tell me to take it down a notch. But Zack’s all “I’ll always love you” and “Let’s have one more dance” and stuff. Jesus Christ. Dude makes Ryan Gosling look like Rampage Jackson.
• As the dance ends, and Zack and Kelly share their preposterous break up dance, Slater and Jessie go up on stage to sing a song. This is all well and good until they open their mouths and HOLY MILLI VANILLI that is the worst lip-synching I have ever seen. I can’t for the life of me figure out why they had them lip-synch. Either: a) The two of them can sing and you just let them sing, because no one would expect two kids singing at a dance to have high end production value anyway, or; b) Just have someone who can sing do it, and cut to a shot of Jessie and Slater dancing or something. Totally unnecessary. I love it dearly.
• One more note on the song: I know “How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?” makes sense for your big break up scene between the two main characters, but… uh… isn’t it like THE WORST song to end a high school dance on? “Hey everybody, hope you had a great time with your respective boyfriends and girlfriends, all wrapped up in the wondrous feeling of teenage love and happiness. Here’s a song about a dude who is friggin CRUSHED about his girlfriend leaving him for another guy! Enjoy!” I just imagine all the other kids at the dance trying to share a moment with their sweeties looking around all horrified while Slater and Jessie are belting out one of the most depressing songs imaginable. Mass confusion and awkwardness. It’s a crime this wasn’t captured on camera.

Anyway, I’m going to stop there because there is only a finite amount of space on the Internet and some of it should probably be saved for launch codes and stuff, but believe me, I could go on. What do you have on this little piece of American treasure?

LS: You know I’d like to say I have a lot to add to what you just said, but let’s be honest; no one on planet Earth has given this scene more thought than Danger Guerrero. It is an absolute fact and I would be willing to take an oath and testify in front of Congress to that effect. Congress would be interested in something like that, right? Here are my only thoughts on the whole thing, also in bullet point format:

• I’d like to club Jeff in his pervy, pedo-nuggets.
• I’d like to make Kelly feel insecure about her decisions to date sex offenders and certified sociopaths, but in her defense, I believe the 13th President of the United States, Millard Fillmore once said, “If you liked it, you shoulda put a ring on it,” which Zack did not do, so…
• Zack’s response to this whole thing is just astonishing. He basically just says, “Um, okay. Have fun dating the guy from Starship Troopers. I’m glad we’re still BFFs!” WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? If I had been a writer for this show the next three episodes would have been nothing but Zack laying in bed listening to Jon Secada songs on repeat, while Kelly and Jeff vacation on Whore Island.
• You know what, now that I think about it, I don’t even blame Kelly. I mean, Jeff was probably at least 21, right? BOOM. Free source of beer. Go on girl, get some.
• My favorite part of the whole Jessie & Slater song bit was that right before they sang they realized Zack, of “Zack Attack” fame, was missing so Slater, who usually plays the drums, just points at some random kid in the audience, tells him to play the drums, and he does so seamlessly. They should have kicked Zack out of the band right there and saved us all from his “Mr. Madonna” phase.
• Final thought on the dance: There were two black people at the costume ball besides Lisa, guess what they were both dressed as? PRISON INMATES! I’m totally serious. They were both dressed in those old timey black and white stripped prison outfits. So there we have Zack and Kelly dressed as a prince and princess, and the two black dudes are dressed as criminals. CONGRATULATIONS COSTUME DEPARTMENT! WHITE HOODS AND GRAND DRAGONSHIPS FOR ALL OF YOU!! FRRT.

This was easily the best SBTB moment, and this is well over 1000 words so I’m going to quit right there. We’ll see you next Tuesday for the mailbag. Submit your questions HERE or HERE, and have a fun and safe new year. Love you, bye.