LOLSlater

LOLSlater and Danger Guerrero: Hawaiian Style

Greetings Tumblr, and welcome to part one of a five part series where Danger Guerrero and I discuss the greatest TV movie ever made, “Saved By the Bell:  Hawaiian Style.”  Here is how this week is going to work: we’ve broken the movie down into four parts (like it would be aired on TBS) and we’ll discuss each part between now and Thursday.  On Friday, we’ll do a sort of “mailbag” thing where DG and I will answer any SBTB questions you might have.  So, if you have any questions about SBTB that you’d like answered, and we mean any questions, drop them either in my or DG’s ask box.  Now, on with the great SBTB Symposium of 2011!

LS: I don’t want to speak for DG, but I have A LOT of feelings about this 92-minute (holy shit this thing is 92 minutes?!) monstrosity and I think it is important that we get this down on internet paper for posterity.  So, I guess I’ll start with a quick plot summary for those of you that haven’t seen the movie in a while: 

                            Look at this fucking hipster.

Between the gang’s junior and senior year of high school, they all go to visit Kelly’s grandfather, who owns a hotel in Honolulu, I guess.  Then a whole bunch of Saved By the Bellish things happen and we all learn a valuable lesson about something and I feel bad about myself for watching it.  THE END.  Take it away DG…   
 
DG: So I guess the most important part of Part 1 is the Screech thing, right? I mean, we could start with the part where Kelly’s family could apparently afford a round trip ticket to Hawaii, but not a ticket to the prom… but I think the fact that a white dork from California turned out to be the long-awaited savior of a native Hawaiian tribe is somewhat more important. And by “somewhat more important,” I mean “way a lot racist.” FUN FACT: Like 30% of the “indigenous Hawaiian tribesman” are just white dudes in straw hats!

                     You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

LS:  That is absolutely the most important part of the first part. What makes it even better for me is that this indigenous tribe of mostly white and Asian dudes is a tribe of taxi drivers on top of it. I mean, how did that whole tribe end up driving taxis? Did “King Screech the First,” or whatever this mystery king was called, make this proclamation before he disappeared? Do you think Jessie’s ancestors tried to enslave this tribe at some point? Why is this a plot point? I have so many questions about this situation! Mostly, I just want to know who sat down and thought that this was a good idea? Also, I’d like to state for the record that this is the worst 92-minutes of Screech that we as a society have had to bear. He makes that duckface of his for 81 of the 92 minutes. SPOILER ALERT:  it never gets funny. I guess I should just be happy that the opening credits were played over the Fresh Prince’s “Summertime.” I’ll be honest, for me that was the high point of this movie. It’s a shame that there is an hour and a half of movie after that.
 
DG: Well if you watched it one episode at a time on TV like a GODDAMN AMERICAN, you could have heard that song four times — once in each intro. So there’s that. But yeah, other than the Screech thing, the only other super-important part is that the gang goes to kinda absurd lengths to scare the convention of principals out of their hotel and into Kelly’s grandfather’s dump. Like, criminal lengths — mostly consisting of impersonating the hotel staff and acting like dicks to the guests, featuring Slater as a fake Italian guy, Zack and Screech as Wayne and Garth, and Jesse as an old German lady (because there are lots of old German ladies in Hawaii).

                    Funny costumes.  NOT!  (Nailed it).

But my favorite is how Kelly and Lisa scream “SHARK” at the beach to scare the lady principals. Apparently the Hawaiian Hideaway is close enough to this hotel to be part of its expansion plan, but far enough away that it is inconceivable that sharks could swim from one hotel to the other. What I’m saying is this: these principals think moving a mile down the shore is a foolproof shark bite prevention plan. They’re even dumber than Belding.

       Q: What is scarier than a shark?  A: Kelly’s waistline.

LS:  HOLY SHIT, let’s talk about the felonies the gang commits to save Grandpa Kapowski’s ramshackle hotel. I can appreciate the need for disguises, but why with all of the accents? I mean, none of these random principals know them, so couldn’t they just use their regular voices while donning their clever disguises? If Slater had shown up in my room, dressed like a shitty Super Mario with an equally terrible Italian accent, (who ate all of my bacon) I would have totally kicked him square in the balls. And that is a promise. For me, the most offensive scene in the movie is Zack and Screech totally denigrating the memory of Wayne and Garth. That was uncalled for. I would have preferred they had gone with an even more offensive routine like Jessie, who was obviously doing a Polish maid bit.  Trust me, German maid would have been weird, but this show is all about stereotypes; therefore, Jessie was a Polish maid. That’s just science. Also, I’d like to note that in that scene where Kelly and Lisa yell “SHARK,” did you notice how tall Kelly’s ass is?  Based on that suit, her waist is somewhere around the bottom of her shoulder blades.  I think Kelly might be 50% ass, 10% torso, and 40% other.
 
So, anything else you want to talk about from Part 1?  I was sort of impressed by Zack picking up Andrea (Rena Sofer) at the baggage carousel within 45 seconds of landing.  Personally, I’ve never spoken to another human being while waiting for my bags, but I guess the baggage claim could be some sort of untapped meat market I don’t know about?
 
DG: Given what we know about the whole Kelly/Zack/Jeff thing, I think it’s safe to say that a decent chunk of that “40% other” Kelly is made up of is “two-timing jezebel,” right? I mentioned this in the question I submitted to you a while back, but given their troublesome history, Zack handles the whole “going on vacation with his ex who recently dumped him for a diner manager” thing really, really well.
 
One other thing that was troubling to me about the principals/disguises thing was that these principals apparently couldn’t tell the difference between a grown-up Italian man and a 17-year-old in a fake mustache. You’d think that would be something a principal should be able to do. And who exactly is footing the bill for this luxury Hawaiian vacation/conference/retreat they’re all taking? Jesus, no wonder the California education system is in shambles today. Throughout the 90s it was being run by nincompoops who were bleeding it dry one mai tai at a time.

       This is why California schools can’t have nice things.

As far as the Zack/Andrea thing goes, we will get to the inappropriate relationships in this movie. OH, WE WILL GET TO THEM. But I guess the only other important part of Part 1, in my eyes at least, is that Kelly’s grandfather’s name is “Harry Bannister,” which is probably the best name for a penis ever.

LS:  And that is how you end a discussion.  Part 2 tomorrow!